Fear of Intimacy

Emotional intimacy is one of the most wonderful experiences we ever have. Nothing else really comes close to the experience of sharing our deepest thoughts and feelings with another, of being deeply seen and known, of sharing love, passion, laughter, joy, and/or creativity. The experience of intimacy fills our souls and takes away our loneliness.

Why, then, would someone be afraid of intimacy?

It is not actually the intimacy itself that people fear. If people could be guaranteed that intimacy would continue to be a positive experience, they would have no fear of it. What they fear is the possibility of getting hurt as a result of being intimate with another.

Many people have two major fears that may cause them to avoid intimacy: the fear of rejection ? of losing the other person, and the fear of engulfment - of being invaded, of being controlled and losing oneself.

Because we have all learned to react to conflict with various controlling behaviors ? from anger and blame to compliance, withdrawal, and resistance - every relationship presents us with these issues of rejection and engulfment. If one person gets angry, the other may feel rejected or controlled and get angry back, give themselves up, withdraw or resist. If one person shuts down, the other may feel rejected and become judgmental, which may trigger the other's fears of engulfment, and so on. These protective circles exist in one form or another in every relationship. When the fears of rejection and engulfment become too great, a person may decide that it is just painful to be in a relationship and they avoid intimacy altogether.

Yet avoiding relationships leads to loneliness and lack of emotional and spiritual growth. Relationships offer us the most powerful arena for personal growth, if we accept this challenge. So what moves us beyond the fear of intimacy?

The fear exists, not because of the experience itself, but because a person doesn't know how to handle the situations of being rejected or controlled. The secret of moving beyond the fear of intimacy lies in developing a powerful loving adult part of us that learns how to not take rejection personally, and learns to set appropriate limits against engulfment.

When we learn how to take personal responsibility for defining our own worth instead of making others' love and approval responsible for our feelings of worth, we will no longer take rejection personally. This does not mean that we will like rejection ? it means we will no longer be afraid of it and have a need to avoid it.

When we learn how to speak up for ourselves and not allow others to invade, smother, dominate and control us, we will no longer fear losing ourselves in a relationship. Many people, terrified of losing the other person, will give themselves up in the hope of controlling how the other person feels about them. They believe that if they comply with another's demands, the other will love them. Yet losing oneself is terrifying, so many people stay out of relationships due to this fear. If they were to learn to define their own worth and stand up for themselves, the fear would disappear.

The Inner Bonding process we teach is a process designed to create a powerful inner adult self capable of not taking rejection personally and of setting limits against loss of self. Anyone can learn this six-step process and, with practice, heal fears of intimacy. Through practicing the Inner Bonding process, you learn to value and cherish who you really are and take full responsibility for your own feelings of worth, lovability, safety, security, pain and joy. When you deeply value yourself, you do not take rejection personally and become non-reactive to rejection. When you value yourself, you will not give yourself up to try to control another's feelings about you. When you value yourself, you are willing to lose another rather than lose yourself.

You can start to learn the powerful Inner Bonding process now by downloading our Free Inner Bonding Course. Moving beyond your fears of intimacy will open you to the deep personal and spiritual growth that relationships can provide and the profound fulfillment and joy that loving relationships can offer.

About The Author

Margaret Paul, Ph.D. is the best-selling author and co-author of eight books, including "Do I Have To Give Up Me To Be Loved By You?" She is the co-creator of the powerful Inner Bonding healing process. Learn Inner Bonding now! Visit her web site for a FREE Inner Bonding course: http://www.innerbonding.com or mailto:margaret@innerbonding.com. Phone sessions available.

---

Better Links Directory

Voice Care for Coaches

Coaches rely heavily on their voice to service clients. If... Read More

Curbing the Public Nuisance (Part 1)

He's been around since the dawn of humanity. His profession... Read More

Make Progress Now: Take the Hand Brakes Off Your Life!

Do you find yourself striving upward in life yet making... Read More

How to Control Your Anger: Retreat and Think Things Over

How to Control Your Anger: Retreat and Think Things OverJim... Read More

Do You See Clearly?

"I don't see how I can just make up my... Read More

4 Underused Hot Spots for Your Personal Branding Iron

I'll never forget what my mentor told me: "Don't communicate... Read More

5 Steps to Derail Difficult People - Your Surefire Way to a Peaceful Resolution

That one guy at work that always has to be... Read More

The Power of Visualization

Professional athletes and other highly successful people use the power... Read More

Run to Win

I was never much of an athlete growing up. Notoriously... Read More

Learning To Recognize Your Ego

What is an ego? Well, in case you didn't know... Read More

How To Gain Control Of Your Life

"The latter part of a wise man's life," said Jonathan... Read More

Invest Your Inner Wealth

It started out like any other Wednesday - reports to... Read More

Business Career Executive Coaching Article -Motivator, Discipline and Desire

"There is a certain combination of desire and discipline in... Read More

The Value of Coaching to Support Your Business and Your Life

In our daily lives as well as in our businesses,... Read More

The X-factor

Would you agree that today most of us have the... Read More

7 Effective Ways To Boost Your Self Esteem

1. Get a life purpose statement.A well thought out life... Read More

Choosing The Right Coach

Coaching has become a very popular way for people to... Read More

Expectations Can Get In Our Way

There are times when we truly look forward to something... Read More

Addiction to Blame

Allen consulted with me because his wife of 18 years... Read More

You Have A Choice

I'm a relationship coach and, unlike most, I deal with... Read More

Words That Inspire - PEACE

WORDS THAT INSPIREA monthly quick shot to motivate you, in... Read More

Discovering Your Passion and Purpose

"I can't seem to discover why I'm on the planet.""What... Read More

Top Ten Tips for Living Authentically

1. Know your purposeAre you wandering through life with little... Read More

The Adventure Attitude

Of the 60,000 people who lived to be over 100... Read More

We Are the Five People We Associate with Most

Last month I was invited to participate in a charity... Read More